Internet, were you ever walking down the street one day and seen someone making an ass out of themselves or someone who just looked so utterly fucking ridiculous that you couldn't image that person every attaining sex again? Well, Internet, your experiences in this matter aren't really any of my fucking concern. I am so fucking awesome that inspiration for this came to me in a dream in which I was fucking Katie Holmes' tits.

Now I've done my fair share of research as well, Internet. So with no further postponing or dancing around the issue at hand... I would like to present you with the list of:

The Top 10 People Who Will Ever Never Get Laid Again
1. Tom Cruise



I don't give a flying Asian if Tom Cruise did marry Katie Holmes. I refuse to believe any gossip whatsoever that Tom Cruise is/was fucking Katie Holmes in any fashion whatsoever. The only person who's been fucking Katie Holmes is me, and she's been enjoying me more so than dropping Ecstasy and fingering herself in front of a wall of strobe lights. I am that fucking awesome. Do not doubt me. Tom and Katie's marriage is nothing but a hoax perpetrated so they could secretly adopt their Korean baby, Mao Zedong Chain Link Fence. Yes, that is what Katie and I named the child before Tom's gay ass came along. Tom, how does my cock taste?

2. Britney Spears



No one will ever want to fuck this Neo-Nazi silicone breasted bitch again. There is no possible fucking way any stray cock will land anywhere near her nether regions. This bitch is now officially a "fad", which is almost as bad as a "trend". I don't know if it was her c-scar or the fact that her vagina reminded me of the flaps seen on a Barnum and Bailey circus tent; but the only hitting this baby will endure one more time will come from Kevin Federline; when he secret beats her with a sock full of batteries because she's such a closet cokehead. I would rather jerk off with a fist full of razor blades than fuck Britney Spears.

3. Carson Daily



You know you have officially passed your prime when all you ever thought about was banging Christina Aguilera's anorexic ass. There is nothing left for this fucking loser but late night television shows in which the only guests he can manage to hook are Carrot Top and Rosie O'Donnell. Carson Daily has officially hit rock bottom and given his recent weight loss, he has hit rock bottom weighing in at 97lbs with a coke tooter up his nose. I'll bet his dealer is Lindsey Lohan. Carson, put this shit on TRL!

4. Gary Busey



The only thing Gary Busey ever did to ruin himself is not shut the fuck up. Seriously, this fucking guy is the only has been celebrity out there who keeps continually trying to fake disorders having to do with shit like delusion and derangement. It's fucking absurd. The only thing hardcore about Gary Busey is the dose of Metamucil he takes every morning. What did you expect from a guy who co-stars in movies with fucking Keanu Reeves and Ice T? Entertainment?

5. George W. Bush



Internet, do I really have to elaborate? COME ON!!!

6. Jay Leno



Jay Leno is the worst teleprompter reading hack I ever seen. Seriously? He and I both know he's never going to get laid. How many skiers and small Asians can he fit on his fucking chin? If he were to ever attempt cunnilingus, he would probably puncture some poor woman's lung. The man says shit like, "I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" From now on, Internet, Jay Leno will be reporting directly to me so that I may approve anything he considers humorous before he releases it on The Tonight Show.

7. Pauly Shore



Pauly Shore will never get laid because he killed "The Weasel"...

8. Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell will never see a stitch of pussy because he is nothing but a tea and crumpets munchin' Douchebag. I don't even think he has an accent. I think he's from New Jersey and could've stripped with 12-Pack in the gay bars. This man has no idea what Americans want. How they fuck did we get stuck with Kelly Clarkson? Simon, I hope small rats gnaw off your testicles while you sleep. I hope you wake up one day and shit your Spleen out on accident. I hate your smug demeanor and every time I hear your voice I want to elbow you in the cock socket. Fuck you Simon Cowell!

9. Star Wars Kid



You stupid tubby fuckhead... Do you see where the force has led you? How's those Midichloreans now, Bitch?

10. Tobey Maguire



You stupid motherfucker. What the fuck were you thinking with Spiderman 3?? Why the fuck did you soil your name for this fucking disaster of cinema? Why the hell were you playing opposite of Topher Fucking Grace? You're acting in this film alone made me cringe and cry out to the deities. Worst of all you fucking asshat, I pirated the fucking Movie. I had to wait over an hour to see you butcher one of my childhood heroes. Also, why the fuck did the guy from Wings play as the Sandman? Because of this one film alone, you will never touch the supple insides of a Gine again. So to you Toby, I say but one thing, LICK MY SWEATY FUCKING SACK!!!