The Google Conspiracy

Internet, heed my warnings. Lock your doors and throw your first born child in some place confined, dark, and safe. Google is onto you and they know about everything you do. Google is worse than the occult. Google is worse than the Anti-Christ. Google is officially "The Man".

Google I fucking hate you with a passion. You are a trend which will not quit sky rocketing and it is getting out of hand. You have stocks, you are on my FireFox as the homepage, and you keep changing the fucking "O" on that homepage to something cutsie wootsie every fucking time I log on. You people are pissing me off and the time has come for me to out you to my internet following of 3 or so people.

Have you ever wondered who runs Google? Well wonder no longer, Internet. It's the ever-growing Asian population. Yes, Asians are the ones responsible for the dumbing down of America. Those fucking Google Asians watch every move we make on our computers. Every time I log onto FireFox and see that fucking homepage I just become openly hostile. This is a picture of the company picnic your beloved fucking Google Asia has once a year. Notice the "Token White Guy" for the sake of non-discriminatory arguments. Fuck you Google!

The most often spoken words I hear in today's society if some fucking retard doesn't know anything are... "Just Google it." Why the fuck can America not go to the library? Seriously, I just cannot understand this. Is it the constant Dorito/Bong crisis? Is everyone high but me? It's okay, Internet. Google knows you're high. They know which forums you read. The know which myspace profiles you look at. They know all about your sick and twisted porn stash. They just fucking know. I don't how, but they found out. Go on, see for yourself.

While browsing my favorite forum today, Tuckermax.com, I opened up a posting talking about how someone had a car covered in birdshit after just waxing it. While laughing my ass off at this man's unfortunate sequence of events, I happened to look down and see an ad from Google for a car wash solution. Now I ask you America, how the fuck did they know what I was reading... I want to know which fucking Asian was chasing me around the Internet today. Google, I want an explanation! Some of you would call it coincidence. You can try that, however, those fucking Asians have found this woman as well.

Notice how they both contain the word Michelle? Yes, because I was reading this woman's blog on Myspace, she became synonymous with Michelle Branch Ringtones. I tried to warn her. I tried to tell you all. Those fucking Asians are playing with you, and this time the shit is for real.

Upon finding these things, it's obvious I was scared. I knew those fucking Google Asians were out there in the shadows. I knew they were watching me. I knew I had to take action. I knew I had to take precautions and find a way to watch them back. Yet, I didn't really know how. So I did what any of you would do in my situation, Internet. I googled it.

Google Asians, I will now be equipped to deal with you. You led me to this!

Now Google Asians, after I spend $54.88 plus shipping and handling, and wait 2-6 weeks for my package to arrive, I'll be watching you too.

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