Internet, the sole reason this article exists is because you would rather bitch and moan than just change the fucking channel. Simply put, I cannot as man subsist on third rate television programming that does not contain violence, tits, and coarse language. Why? I don't know; I just fuckin' need it. Every time I turn on my television I want to sodomize myself with my cheaply bought hardware store antenna because some fucking asshat affiliated with NBC, ABC, CBS, or FOX has seen fit to plaster some ridiculously looking icon in the upper corner of what could have been a beautiful escape from the harshness that is taxation and fossil-fuel rape of every day life. Most television networks attribute these ratings as meeting the requirements for the Federal Communications Comission. So to the Federal Communications Comission, I say congratulations. You collective bunch of fuck-ups are only organizations besides PETA and OPEC that succeed in pissing me off numerous times in the small and ever so fleeting space of a day.

See This Symbol:

The FCC Definition:TV-Y (All Children -- This program is designed to be appropriate for all children.) Whether animated or live-action, the themes and elements in this program are specifically designed for a very young audience, including children from ages 2-6. This program is not expected to frighten younger children.

My Definition: This is the equivalent to fucking Teletubbies. Put a helmet on your kid and walk him to the end of your driveway to wait on the short bus. You're a pussy and so is your child. As a matter of fact, send him to school with a mouth piece. It will help cut down on the cost of Dental bills when he gets his ass lit up like a Minora at recess for being a whiny jew bitch.

See This Symbol:

The FCC Definition:TV-Y7 (Directed to Older Children -- This program is designed for children age 7 and above.) It may be more appropriate for children who have acquired the developmental skills needed to distinguish between make-believe and reality. Themes and elements in this program may include mild fantasy or comedic violence, or may frighten children under the age of 7. Therefore, parents may wish to consider the suitability of this program for their very young children. Note: For those programs where fantasy violence may be more intense or more combative than other programs in this category, such programs will be designated TV-Y7-FV.

My Definition: Why the fuck are there sub-symbols to this one? Do you know what most Americans call shows like this? Motherfucking Looney Tunes. Rest assured internet, with this system effectively in place a rabbit with an overbite, a black cat with a lisp, a mute coyote, and a bird with horn shoved up it's ass have now been effectively categorized.

You get the fucking picture:

The FCC Definition:TV-G (General Audience -- Most parents would find this program suitable for all ages.) Although this rating does not signify a program designed specifically for children, most parents may let younger children watch this program unattended. It contains little or no violence, no strong language and little or no sexual dialogue or situations.

My Definition: These are most boring piece of shit programs to pass a television ratings board known to man. Internet, does it count as genocide if you just plan on killing the focus groups that television networks use to get this shit aired? How about instead of actually watching this you just admit you were a habitual bed wetter until the tender age of 9.

How many can there fucking be:

The FCC Definition: TV-PG (Parental Guidance Suggested -- This program contains material that parents may find unsuitable for younger children.) Many parents may want to watch it with their younger children. The theme itself may call for parental guidance and/or the program contains one or more of the following: moderate violence (V), some sexual situations (S), infrequent coarse language (L), or some suggestive dialogue (D).

My Definition: You might as well compare this one to a fight between two Emos who prematurely ejaculated inside the girl who's a member of the America's Next Top Model Fan Club. Seriously, why not just come right out and say that this could be violent, but it won't be and the actors may say "hell" or "damn" at the same rate old people fuck.

This is the last one, I swear:

The FCC Definition: TV-14 (Parents Strongly Cautioned -- This program contains some material that many parents would find unsuitable for children under 14 years of age.) Parents are strongly urged to exercise greater care in monitoring this program and are cautioned against letting children under the age of 14 watch unattended. This program contains one or more of the following: intense violence (V), intense sexual situations (S), strong coarse language (L), or intensely suggestive dialogue (D).

My Definition: Even when I was 14, I still found these programs disinteresting. Why can't someone just say that people may imitate sex in the sense that they won't have it, or that the actors on screen may drop the occasional "Shit" or "Ass" in a passive aggressive tone that implies that whoever wrote the script understands life about as much as dry humping chain saws. Internet, the only language you understand is coarse language. When you annoy someone and that person asks you to leave them alone, you don't until you're told to fuck off. It is what it is and obviously sitcom writers will understand this about as much as AIDS patients understand cancer.

Ok, so I lied:

The FCC Definition: TV-MA (Mature Audience Only -- This program is specifically designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17.) This program contains one or more of the following: graphic violence (V), explicit sexual activity (S), or crude indecent language (L).

My Definition: Fuck. Shit. Balls. Cock. Piss. Ass. We have a winner. Finally a program in which shit explodes at random and the protagonist doesn't deserve to felate the door knobs of a Herpes Clinic. Internet, all I want is for a movie to contain the following: Robots, Zombies, Tits, Whiskey, Explosions, Muscle Cars, Fried Chicken, and more Tits. Why is that consistently too much to ask for?

Fuck this, Internet. I'm gonna go watch re-runs of Friends.