Why Being A Man Is Awesome

Internet, since the birth of the first Neanderthal, men have held their places in the world as far more than just ordinary mortals. Men have struggled and have adapted to become more fabled and more magnificent than that of gods. With that being said, there are times in which you should not invoke the anger of men. Those times are more sacred than a child's first steps. Those times are more glorious than slipping Pam Anderson a roofie and having instant access to unlimited amounts of Astroglide. Internet, when a man sits down to a meal, you do nothing but gamble with your life when you attempt to seek their attention. Ask any man, and they will gladly tell you that being disturbed while consuming fine victuals such as livestock, and wild game will only invoke a feeling of anger which rivals that of a thousand Spartans. These rules apply to women and small children as well. Women and children are never to attempt any conversation whatsoever with a man while he is slowly consuming animal flesh by the pound. Internet, these are the facts.

Would you ever try stumble upon a bear during hibernation? Internet, would you find yourself in an internal argument about waking said bear? No, you would not. Now take this logic and apply it to the modern day man. Men do not wish to be prematurely arisen from their slumbering states. Internet, there is not an emergency that can't wait until a man has properly risen from his bed. Did your child sever their arm? Who cares?!?! Tell that bitch of a kid to put a band-aid on it, and inform him/her that their father is sleeping the sleep of Egyptian Pharaohs. When men sleep, the world ceases rotation upon it's axis. Yes, Internet the world will not continue to revolve with even one man deep in slumbering bliss. To wake a man prematurely is to induce him into a state of aggravation, one of which were he to have access to explosive materials; your household would be the first one on the block to be blown into oblivion.

Internet, while you are presently full of shit, so are the men of the world. As such, never enter a man's bathroom. Men do not refer to the toilet as a waste receptacle, nor do they refer to the bathroom as a restroom or lavatory. Those terms were created by the fucking British, and men everywhere hate them. This applies to women as well. Women are never to be seen in the vicinity of a man's throne room unless it is to stock it with only the finest 3-ply toilet paper and recent editions of Playboy Magazine. Men are aptly aware of their internal workings, and to get in between a man and his well plotted course to the bathroom can only result in spawning a hate more awesome than that of the one for George W. Bush. Urinals and motion sensor flush toilets do not interest men of modern ages. Were a man to see this in a location in which he enjoys his bowel movements on a regular basis, he would rip both of the objects in question out of their placements and proceed to throw them at innocent by-standers.

Internet, men need sex more so than women need oxygen. Sex is the lifeline to all men, and their moods. Pleasantries and goodwill do not exist among men unless they have ejaculated multiple times over a 24 hour span of time. Internet, this fucking fact is to be regarded with more importance than your immediate family and your religion. Men were not placed upon the Earth to help women achieve any sexual gratification. They were placed upon the Earth to spread their seed in amounts so copious it tends to cause natural disasters in small third world countries. Women, were you to deny man of his need for multiple ejaculations, then the world would once again cease to turn on it's axis. To deny men of plentiful orgasms is to make time stand perfectly still. Internet, under no circumstance are men to be bothered during their post-coital recovery, unless it is to aid in post coital recovery with things like bacon sandwiches and cigarettes. However, a shot of whiskey may be proffered if the woman the man has copulated with has a questionable appearance.

The concepts of Architecture and Carpentry would surely not exist, had it not been created and honed by men everywhere. Men are natural carpenters and their only tasks lay in building the biggest functional wonders in all the land without the aid of any instruction whatsoever. Men are destined and bred for their carpentry skills. Real men are understood to wield hammers as they begin to pass through the cervix during the beginning stages of childbirth. Internet, the world as you know it, would not be in existence today without men in place to build it into existence. Internet, were you to vie for attention when a man is in the process of creating a masterpiece via a medium of elegant wood and hand tools, laser beams would surely fire from his eyes and you would only be disintegrated into a pile of soot and ash..

Internet, being a man is awesome.